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what i've written.

(okay, this stuff was what i could find... i can search through my blog for more later.)


i saw a shooting star tonight, it reminded me of you
and all the things you said tonight that were all untrue
the memory of you and me on that dark warm country night
i tried supressing the feelings but i didn't want to fight
a bluejay flew above my head, it reminded me of you
its dark, cold eyes hovered over me, the stare of your eyes blue


****************

karma knealed beside me and touched me with her cold, dark finger today
it hit me with a punch in the gut and i knew she wasn't there to play
she told me she'd be back after i had some time to heal
she left in a puff of lonliness and wanton sex appeal

karma knealed beside me and looked over me with cold blue eyes
i told her i didn't know what to think or who to despise
was it my fault, my actions, that caused my world to end
she smiled and told me she wasn't there to be my friend


****************

what is peace?
is it physical?
emotional?
ethereal?
peace can't find you
you must find it
perhaps on a journey
through a garden of the gods
past the lizards who dwell
in between slabs of land
over and under the rocks
formations an engineer is jealous of
through the leaves of a forest
turning yellow and red
with the change of times and weather
peace.
peace.
peace.
i am at peace.
my journey takes me closer.
home will come soon, though
the stresses of life cannot invade here,
with leafy borders made of tall rock
no, peace will stay for now.
i am at peace.
nothing can break that.


*******************

The smoke rises, slow wisps of white air out of my mouth. I take a deep, clean breath of the warm spring air. It's unseasonably warm today. I pack up my pipe, cautiously wrap it up before sticking it in my rucksack. No telling who is around me. I lay back on the smooth, solid rock and look up into the blue sky. My fingers drag, slowly, over the surface finding small rough patches etched in. I close my eyes, and I am at ease here. Only here. Now. My eyes snap open, though, when I hear voices shouting closer. I look up at four teenagers running through the paths. Being at peace, what a joke. A waste of time in today's ever-changing, loud, crazy world. I sit up and watch and setting sun create colors from nowhere, seemingly creating artwork from nothing. My body starts falling, coming down from its peaceful high as I begin to think clearly about the circumstances that brought me to this place.


********************

(At one point, I wanted to start a novel... and this is as far as I got. I stopped writing for some reason. So far, based on my life at the time... good thing life has changed because this is rather depressing, haha)

Between these leather bound pages lies a story and a truth. The truth may not be an actuality, but in my head it's what I see. I am 22 years old. The first thing people notice about me is that I am short. I don't even reach the five-foot mark. The second thing? Probably the boobs. After that- who knows? I try to hide in the shadows away from staring eyes as much as possible. When I trek to class, my Ipod blares and a vanilla clove cigarette occupies my mouth. No need to acknowledge anyone, because no one even looks my way. I blend well.

I do have friends, don't get me wrong. I am a very friendly person- I can't even think of one person who takes unkindly to me. But I only let people in so close before I retreat and close up again. When I was in the hospital following my latest suicide attempt, I only let 5 people know - my boss, since I was supposed to work the next day; my mom, so she wouldn't worry that I hadn't called; and three of my closer friends- and only one of them because they had planned on visiting me the next night.

10 random facts about me:
1. I didn't know I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder until a bill collector violated HIPAA when he told me about my hospital bill.
2. I tend to sleep around with people I don't care about and will never care about. I don't want the emotions wallowing me, swallowing me.
3. I always seem to fall for my best friends, which would be awesome... if they were into women.
4. Music is what gets me though. A simple melody, some chords, and passionate lyrics drag me from the depths of my mind.
5. I smoke weed every night. It's my anti-drug. Who needs Lexapro when they can take a drag and forget the wrongs?
6. I am failing out of school and it's my senior year. Not a winning combination.
7. My parents don't talk to me very often, and when they do... it's about money. Never about how I feel or what happened that night.
8. The only person who can make me seriously cry is my mother- and she does this well.
9. I am always out of money. I am horribly in debt, but isn't everyone these days?
10. My job is the most important thing in my life right now. It beats school, home, family, friends... my men are my life. They are my family.
11. I know I said 10, but I also said random. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wonder if that's because I didn't think I'd be around long enough to find out.

***********************

Why would you think that I'd be okay?
You never looked back as you walked away
"The timing isn't right" you said, and I wanted to cry
But we both know that isn't me & I ain't gonna try.
No tears shed, but that doesn't mean it doesn't kill
This heart of mine is broken and I don't need it to be filled
with shattered dreams and empty words only you can offer me
I think we could have made it - you just wait and see.

***********************

(Sometimes, I start writing songs... in my head, this one sound like a JET song.)

The way her ass moves in her black skinny jeans
The way she smiles when she's looking down at me
I said it was a crush like it was no big deal
If I told you that I loved you would you know it was for real

And I see her walking down the street
And I wish she were between my sheets
Too bad, so sad that I'm only just a friend
Because this lonely heart of mine is at it's bitter end


*****************
(i actually finished a song, once...)

time is frozen
yet I can't focus
all I know is
that I am broken

try to fix me but
it ain't so easy
emotions reign now
my dreams keep fading

it all falls apart
when i'm lying in the dark

i don't know if i can take this anymore
all i've ever wanted is hitting the cold floor
my passion is gone, my will fading away
but i'll keep telling you a lie- "i'm okay"

i keep on going
though it hurts to breathe
i wish i could fade away
just let me dream

nowhere to run
nothing to see
i reach out but
no one feels me

it all falls apart
when i'm lying in the dark

i don't know if i can take this anymore
all i've ever wanted is hitting the cold floor
my passion is gone, my will fading away
but i'll keep telling you a lie- "i'm okay"

don't start worrying now
cuz you never did before
all the things you left unsaid
are knocking down my door
find me on the ground
scream out my name
it's too late now
i'm not okay

i don't know if i can take this anymore
all i've ever wanted is hitting the cold floor
my passion is gone, my will fading away
but i'll keep telling you a lie- "i'm okay"

*****************

(this one's unfinished and about you)

all these thoughts of you pent up in my head
your subtle glances leave words left unsaid
your eyes shine bright and take the place
of every emotion crossing your face
your small, soft hands, the same as my own

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