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I need to start writing again. My memory constantly fails me and I should probably put in the effort to preserve my thoughts and actions, as my brain doesn't always cooperate with me.

Today was good. Worked a morning shift with Alyx and Jay that went by very quickly, then headed over to DJ's house. Jax and I hung out there until about noon, then went home to nap before I had to be back at work at 2:30. I got to go on an outing with Alyx, which was fun. We were supposed to go to Midget Links, a mini-golf course, but it was definitely not wheelchair accessible. We drove around instead, heading across the river to Audubon State Park where we saw two deer. That was pretty cool- it didn't seem too afraid of people and only really noticed us when the van's brakes squealed. Now I am at home, relaxing for a few before I start on my homework.

I should also probably take the time out to process what is happening at home. Ajax's transition isn't really that big of a deal to me and I don't always notice the changes as they progress at a fairly steady rate. I was a bit apprehensive about everything at first, but Jax is happier and more confident than he was before and if it's what he needs to do, then he needs to do it. I'm in love with the person that Ajax is, not the body that Jax is packaged in.

i wrote a glee fanfic...

I'm turning into a nerd at hyperspeed. No, really.

You can read it here...

Glee Brittana Speech

This speech is so perfect. Glee didn't hype up that this was going to happen, which makes me so happy that it's more a legitimate plot point and not an attention-grabbing ratings ploy. Santana hasn't ever been this vulnerable on the show, and it just breaks my heart when Brittany, rightfully so, brings up the point that she's still dating Artie. I just hope that Artie sees what is going on and realizes that Brittany is so obviously in love with Santana...

Anyway, I love this speech because it feels so real, unlike most of the episode which felt a bit contrived and unbelievable. It actually sounded like what one teenage girl would say to her best friend that she's in love with, and the acting - Naya Rivera just knocks it out of the park with this one. Don't tell Alisha, but I've added another girl to the list, haha.

this is love

I am SO a Brittana shipper. Reading fanfic and everything and I haven't done that since BtVS - Willow//Kennedy.

I almost cried during Glee last night. So heartbreaking. Hopefully Artie sees what's happening and tells Brittany to go be with the one she obviously loves, right?

Dec. 13th, 2010

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This journal is becoming friends-only because there are certain people out there that I don't want to disclose my life to... so if you'd like to read what I have to say (which you know you want to!) and you're not on my flist, comment and I'll add you. Thanks.

Writer's Block: More than words

Which song lyrics send shivers down your spine and really hit you emotionally?

"Coordinate brain and mouth, then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out... wish I knew." from Okay I Believe You,But My Tommy Gun Don't by Brand New

Then there's also the entire song, It's For the Best, by Straylight Run.

"and it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined, stronger and certain

but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace
but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself
and said it was for the best

so now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was
now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn
the more i can't understand

and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink to much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say "it's for the best."

we're moving forward, but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on something that will never come "

lyrics copied and pasted from http://www.songmeanings.net

ever expanding

sometimes I wonder if I wrote down everything I thought about you

how far would it stretch?

would my thoughts soar to the moon?

fragments of you would disappear into the horizon

your eyes landing in australia, your hands in peru.

miles and miles of glances, shuddering breaths scattered about.

the way I tingle when you look at me - the ocean would swallow whole.

that smile, dimples, shining eyes and heart - the moon is not far enough.

no, I must not mistake the amplitude of every thought, every feeling, every action and reaction.

the universe is said to be ever-expanding.

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it's been far too long since i've blogged. of course, with no internet access except for using my phone, it's much harder. even just typing this out so far is annoying because of the very small keys that my thumbs like missing...

hopefully I will get back into sharing my life, thoughts, ideas, and randomness with y'all. :)

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The Notebook

Onscreen, two characters fall in love.
Offscreen, I cringe.
The arms around me tighten.
She's distracted.
My mood shifts.
Why do I feel this way now?
Another battle ahead.
Why can't I ever win the war with my emotions?
I am with her.
She looks me in the eyes.
Can she read my thoughts?
I glance at the screen.
Commercial. Figures.
I sigh. Give up.
She looks at me again.
Her eyes shine, shift.
Put the world on pause.
She must have known.
Somehow, she always does.

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what i've written.

(okay, this stuff was what i could find... i can search through my blog for more later.)

i saw a shooting star tonight, it reminded me of you
and all the things you said tonight that were all untrue
the memory of you and me on that dark warm country night
i tried supressing the feelings but i didn't want to fight
a bluejay flew above my head, it reminded me of you
its dark, cold eyes hovered over me, the stare of your eyes blue


karma knealed beside me and touched me with her cold, dark finger today
it hit me with a punch in the gut and i knew she wasn't there to play
she told me she'd be back after i had some time to heal
she left in a puff of lonliness and wanton sex appeal

karma knealed beside me and looked over me with cold blue eyes
i told her i didn't know what to think or who to despise
was it my fault, my actions, that caused my world to end
she smiled and told me she wasn't there to be my friend


what is peace?
is it physical?
peace can't find you
you must find it
perhaps on a journey
through a garden of the gods
past the lizards who dwell
in between slabs of land
over and under the rocks
formations an engineer is jealous of
through the leaves of a forest
turning yellow and red
with the change of times and weather
i am at peace.
my journey takes me closer.
home will come soon, though
the stresses of life cannot invade here,
with leafy borders made of tall rock
no, peace will stay for now.
i am at peace.
nothing can break that.


The smoke rises, slow wisps of white air out of my mouth. I take a deep, clean breath of the warm spring air. It's unseasonably warm today. I pack up my pipe, cautiously wrap it up before sticking it in my rucksack. No telling who is around me. I lay back on the smooth, solid rock and look up into the blue sky. My fingers drag, slowly, over the surface finding small rough patches etched in. I close my eyes, and I am at ease here. Only here. Now. My eyes snap open, though, when I hear voices shouting closer. I look up at four teenagers running through the paths. Being at peace, what a joke. A waste of time in today's ever-changing, loud, crazy world. I sit up and watch and setting sun create colors from nowhere, seemingly creating artwork from nothing. My body starts falling, coming down from its peaceful high as I begin to think clearly about the circumstances that brought me to this place.


(At one point, I wanted to start a novel... and this is as far as I got. I stopped writing for some reason. So far, based on my life at the time... good thing life has changed because this is rather depressing, haha)

Between these leather bound pages lies a story and a truth. The truth may not be an actuality, but in my head it's what I see. I am 22 years old. The first thing people notice about me is that I am short. I don't even reach the five-foot mark. The second thing? Probably the boobs. After that- who knows? I try to hide in the shadows away from staring eyes as much as possible. When I trek to class, my Ipod blares and a vanilla clove cigarette occupies my mouth. No need to acknowledge anyone, because no one even looks my way. I blend well.

I do have friends, don't get me wrong. I am a very friendly person- I can't even think of one person who takes unkindly to me. But I only let people in so close before I retreat and close up again. When I was in the hospital following my latest suicide attempt, I only let 5 people know - my boss, since I was supposed to work the next day; my mom, so she wouldn't worry that I hadn't called; and three of my closer friends- and only one of them because they had planned on visiting me the next night.

10 random facts about me:
1. I didn't know I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder until a bill collector violated HIPAA when he told me about my hospital bill.
2. I tend to sleep around with people I don't care about and will never care about. I don't want the emotions wallowing me, swallowing me.
3. I always seem to fall for my best friends, which would be awesome... if they were into women.
4. Music is what gets me though. A simple melody, some chords, and passionate lyrics drag me from the depths of my mind.
5. I smoke weed every night. It's my anti-drug. Who needs Lexapro when they can take a drag and forget the wrongs?
6. I am failing out of school and it's my senior year. Not a winning combination.
7. My parents don't talk to me very often, and when they do... it's about money. Never about how I feel or what happened that night.
8. The only person who can make me seriously cry is my mother- and she does this well.
9. I am always out of money. I am horribly in debt, but isn't everyone these days?
10. My job is the most important thing in my life right now. It beats school, home, family, friends... my men are my life. They are my family.
11. I know I said 10, but I also said random. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wonder if that's because I didn't think I'd be around long enough to find out.


Why would you think that I'd be okay?
You never looked back as you walked away
"The timing isn't right" you said, and I wanted to cry
But we both know that isn't me & I ain't gonna try.
No tears shed, but that doesn't mean it doesn't kill
This heart of mine is broken and I don't need it to be filled
with shattered dreams and empty words only you can offer me
I think we could have made it - you just wait and see.


(Sometimes, I start writing songs... in my head, this one sound like a JET song.)

The way her ass moves in her black skinny jeans
The way she smiles when she's looking down at me
I said it was a crush like it was no big deal
If I told you that I loved you would you know it was for real

And I see her walking down the street
And I wish she were between my sheets
Too bad, so sad that I'm only just a friend
Because this lonely heart of mine is at it's bitter end

(i actually finished a song, once...)

time is frozen
yet I can't focus
all I know is
that I am broken

try to fix me but
it ain't so easy
emotions reign now
my dreams keep fading

it all falls apart
when i'm lying in the dark

i don't know if i can take this anymore
all i've ever wanted is hitting the cold floor
my passion is gone, my will fading away
but i'll keep telling you a lie- "i'm okay"

i keep on going
though it hurts to breathe
i wish i could fade away
just let me dream

nowhere to run
nothing to see
i reach out but
no one feels me

it all falls apart
when i'm lying in the dark

i don't know if i can take this anymore
all i've ever wanted is hitting the cold floor
my passion is gone, my will fading away
but i'll keep telling you a lie- "i'm okay"

don't start worrying now
cuz you never did before
all the things you left unsaid
are knocking down my door
find me on the ground
scream out my name
it's too late now
i'm not okay

i don't know if i can take this anymore
all i've ever wanted is hitting the cold floor
my passion is gone, my will fading away
but i'll keep telling you a lie- "i'm okay"


(this one's unfinished and about you)

all these thoughts of you pent up in my head
your subtle glances leave words left unsaid
your eyes shine bright and take the place
of every emotion crossing your face
your small, soft hands, the same as my own